Friday, April 24, 2015

HOW To Survive Your Partner's Sex or Porn Addiction

WOW ... I just need to take a moment and send out a great big, loving hello to all of my AMAZING ladies out there! It has been so long since I have given this blog my attention and it is about time that I do just that. 

I wanted to take a minute and write about a question that I hear so often from partners ... "How Do I Get Through This?" .... That's what I hear ... HOW? As partners you probably don't even know where to begin. The truth is that we don't have to let our partner's sex addiction or porn addiction suck the life out of us. I hear so often that women feel "destroyed" ..... the truth is that we may not have control over what has happened, but what you do have control of is YOU! That's the reality!

The reality is that the only thing we CAN control is ourselves and we need to know how to move past our trauma and live in the present moment ... it is only then that we can move forward and be happy in whatever way that looks. Moving forward and empowering ourselves helps us to make the best decisions that we can for us. These are invaluable life lessons and although this applies directly t the crisis that you are currently going through, this is so useful for most of life as well.

When faced with this crisis .... How are you going to cope? How are you going to learn from it? How are you going to grow and change in awesome ways that help YOU?

The truth is that you can use this opportunity to do all of these things. And I know right now, you just need help doing that. You need help, help that can guide you toward positivity and healing to help empower you. I strive to empower the partners that I work with and not let the circumstances in their lives suck the life out of them! Life is way too short for that!!!!

Really, this journey needs a path to follow. Now, everyone's journey is different ... but the path starts the same. The path may lead you in different directions but there is a path that can help guide you during this time. I find that so many women need a path that is motivating, inspiring and positive to help empower you to begin this healing journey. Part of the journey is dependent on your partner ... AND part of that depends on you.

Hopefully your partner is getting the help he needs. Wether he is or not ... YOU need to be in control of healing you. Our happiness can never be tied directly to our partners. Happiness starts within YOU .... no matter what!!!

I put together a FREE Partner Survival Guide to help give my ladies some guidance to help cope in a positive and empowering way. It helps to know that I have gone through it too, I've felt what you feel now, I know the hopelessness that hangs there, I know the feeling of insecurity .... AND I also know how to heal, how to be empowered in ways I never was before, how to be HAPPY no matter what life throws at me!

Anyway, my Partner Survival Guide is too long for 1 blog post ... so here it is in a nutshell. Just go to the link and you can download the pdf right there.
  1. Allow Yourself Time To Make Any Big Decisions
  2. Take Care of Yourself
  3. Find Support
  4. Feel Your Feelings Without Judgement
  5. Focus of EFFECTIVE Communication
  6. Practice Mindfulness
  7. Create Healthy Boundaries
  8. Accept The Past Wont Change & Strive To Move Forward
  9. Do Something Special for YOU - Hobbies
  10. Bring Awareness To The Positive - Where is Your Opportunity

Go to this page and download this Free Guide to help you begin your own journey toward healing. Don't forget how important it is to take care of yourself ... not just the healing of your partner.

Remember, you are NOT alone in this!!! Be strong ... you CAN heal !!!!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Making A GREAT Life

HELLO out there!!!!  Seriously, it has been way too long since I have posted on my blog.  At this point, I figured you all deserved an update on my life.  It's been a VERY crazy many months and I have been focusing on my kids and our business.  First of all, things are going AMAZING on that end!  Our life coaching business with Feed The Right Wolf has been steadily growing and we now are coaching clients all over the world and are in 12 countries now!  It is so fulfilling to be able to be a part of CHANGING PEOPLE'S LIVES!  It is awesome!!!

We are also at a point where we want to EMBRACE all of what LIFE HAS TO OFFER!!!  Too often, we have goals and dreams but we procrastinate and let them fall to the side ... you know, because everything is just so much more important.  Especially when dealing with any tough issue in your life (like addiction for most of you reading this) but the reality is that if we don't take care of ourselves and find things to keep us going, to fulfill us, to empower us ... we will just go on existing!  And just existing is NOT finding our HAPPINESS.  It is up to each and every one of us to find our passions, embrace them and not let the crap of every day life hold us back!!!  We all deserve that!!!

What are those things in life that you have always wanted to do?  Well, my family and I decided we wanted to be in a play and we got involved in community theatre.  To make a very long story short, Craig, has always wanted to be in a play.  He has been breakdancing and rapping since the 7th grade (he's now 42) and had the chance to be the Tin Man in his high school production but chickened out (partly because it wasn't cool AND partly due to outside influences).  He has regretted that decision for the past 21 years!

For me ... My fear was singing in front of people ALONE .. but that is what you have to do in an audition!  I thought to myself after everything I have been through and shared with people ... "I am scared to do this???!!!!" .... that just wasn't going to fly with me.  I truly want to practice what I preach so it was important to me to do it too!

Well, we decided to do it and do it together as a family.  And luck, or awesomeness, would have it Craig got the part of the Tin Man.  The stars were aligned on this one ... first of all because that was the part he never embraced in HS ... and because of the character himself.  The Tin Man wants a heart, needs a heart but in the end he ALWAYS had a heart .... he just needed to embrace the LOVE that he truly had inside.  So, this was inspiring on many different levels for us!

I wanted to share Craig's words on facebook about this experience ... his words should inspire each and every one of us to live our lives to the fullest.  For guys who are struggling with addiction ... to know that they aren't alone and there is hope!  That you can change the way you think .... not as a victim but as someone who CHOOSES their path .... right here and right now!!!

"In high school I had the chance to be in a play but I chickened out. I loved to rap and dance but I was a jock that's not what jocks do. I said, "that was gay." (of course I didn't know better). 
I put myself in a box . . . as a sexual abuse survivor this was a very confused and ugly box. 

I've thought about this cowardice every single play I've been too since 1989. Every single one. It doesn't matter if it's a kids play about the biosphere or Miss Saigon. . . I did't matter. Like clockwork Michelle would look over and there I was with a face full of tears. 

This Friday I restore balance to the force. I slay a dragon that's been haunting me since 1989. Good bye box. 

l am the Tinman . . . and I've always had a heart. 

And I get to do it with my incredible wife and two awesome kids. We are all in this play. Wait till you see Michelle's dancing. She is incredible - and she is my soulmate."

As for me ... this gave me the opportunity to find myself again!  It has felt incredible.  Back in my younger days, I was quite the athlete (gymnast and high jumper - actually went to a Division 1 college for high jumping) and it has been hard to keep up with that as an adult.  Especially once kids come into the picture ... it is very common for women to just focus so much on our families that we really forget what our dreams once were ... or what we were good at ... or what lights a fire under our ass ... or what just makes us feel alive!!!

Theatre itself was out of my comfort zone but competing, being on a team, dancing and flipping is all the stuff that I once loved!  This made me realize that I still can rock it ... I am doing things again that I haven't done in 20 years and it feels wonderful.  And it is all because I TRIED ... I faced something that seemed uncomfortable ... I faced my fear .... I did something for ME .... I just tried something new and threw away the excuses of why it wouldn't work or why I wouldn't be good enough.

I walked down a completely new road and guess what?  It created a NEW BEGINNING for me!  Who knew I was still great at dancing and my cartwheels (and remember, I am not 20 anymore) were the best of anyone there.  And I was asked to participate in the theatre's next production because I WAS good enough!!!!  And I never would have known that unless I tried something new!!!

So, I am telling you this story because there is a lesson to be learned here ...

  • What Fear Is Holding You Back From Something YOU Want To Do?
  • How Can You Face That Fear And Try Something New?
Decide what you want to do in your life and MAKE THE COMMITMENT to actually doing it!  A dream is just a dream until you create ACTION!!!  Create action in your life ... YOU are the only one who CAN!!!!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Guest Blog .... "What I Learned From Dating A Porn Addict With Bipolar Disorder"

The journey of healing from sex and porn addiction that Craig and I have been on has certainly been an interesting one. It has provided us with such amazing growth, awareness, presence, connection and a new passion to help others. It has led us to some amazing women, some amazing men and some amazing couples!!! I love how once Craig and I talk about what we do for a living (coaching men, women and couples to heal from this addiction) and openly tell people our story how people feel incredibly comfortable reaching out for support. I wanted to share this story from an AMAZING WOMAN, a friend of mine, who decided to write down her story, what she learned and share it with others. I am sooo proud of her and I know this blog needed to be shared ... THANK YOU my friend for putting yourself out there, it is so incredibly brave!!!

"What I Learned From Dating A Porn Addict With Bipolar Disorder"

If you’re reading this, thank you. I assume it is because you are either dealing with something similar, know someone in this situation, or frankly are just curious about my experiences; any of which are perfectly OK with me.
I decided to speak about my experiences because they matter. They matter because they happened to me and because I am a human being with feelings that need to be expressed. They also matter because too many men and women are going through this same thing and sometimes we just need to hear someone talk about an experience that we are all too familiar with, but sometimes are scared to say out loud. It’s important to talk about this in a way that doesn’t shame the addict, and doesn’t victimize the partner opposite of an addict.
Writing this is a healing process for me. The shock of my break-up and the reasons behind it are still very real and hard for me. I don’t aim to air my dirty laundry for pity, or cast negative light on someone I still love very much, but rather to hopefully inspire the motivation for change in others who might be struggling with a porn addiction.